Why Do Parents Give Their Children The Silent Treatment?

Having gone through the silent treatment from my own parents and family members at different points in my life, and seeing the pain and devastation it causes, I started to wonder:

‘Why do parents give their children the silent treatment?’

So I did some research, including talking to my clients and surveying over 40 people, and I want to share what I found with you.

There are two main reasons why a parent would give their child/adult child the silent treatment and it comes down to this: either their parent is emotionally immature or they are a narcissist.

Does Your Parent Ever Give You The Silent Treatment?

Do you get the silent treatment whenever there’s been an argument or disagreement?

So instead of talking things through, clearing the air, reaching a compromise, or saying sorry, they stop talking to you for a few hours, days or even months?

Is the silent treatment common in your family during conflicts, and maybe you’ve come to accept it as a quirky family trait?

If you answered yes to these questions, you may believe it’s just something odd that happens in your family from time to time.

But you may be surprised to know that receiving the silent treatment can be very damaging, leaving a long lasting and devastating impact on you.

What Is The Silent Treatment

Giving someone the silent treatment, also called stonewalling, cold shoulder, or ghosting, means one person stops talking to another. This can last for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years.

The silent treatment can include:

• Refusing to talk or respond to you
• No longer answer your calls texts or messages
• They stop calling and texting
• Acting as if you are not in the room
• Ignoring you and not acknowledging your presence
• Withholding love and affection
• Treating you as if you are invisible or dead
• Avoiding eye contact and acting busy to avoid interaction with you
• Creating an uncomfortable atmosphere and making you feel like you are walking on eggshells
• Getting others involved, making you feel excluded and ostracized from the family for supposed bad behavior, even though they are actually at fault

A parent will usually inflict the silent treatment as a response to:

• You confront them about an issue
• You ask them to take responsibility
• You set a boundary or say ‘No’ to them
• You do something they don’t want you to do
• You don’t do something they think you should do

The Two Types Of Parents That Inflict Silent Treatment On Their Children

The narcissistic parent likes to be in control at all times. They do not like it when you set a boundary, say no, have your own opinions or try to be autonomous. The narcissist wants to regain control of their child and the relationship quickly and giving the silent treatment is their favourite tactic to use because they know it is extremely painful for us and they know we will do anything to make it stop, including being submissive to restore contact with them quickly. This puts the narcissist back in control, and it gives us the clear message that we must stay in our place if we want to have a relationship with our mum or dad.

The emotionally immature/self-absorbed parent gives the silent treatment for several reasons. These parents struggle to express their feelings in a healthy way or look inwards, which means they tend to blame others for their negative emotions. They often avoid conflict because it overwhelms them and they don’t know how to resolve it. Being self-absorbed means they can get stuck in their own emotions, so during a conflict they will be too focused on their own experience of the situation, making it hard for them to empathise with their child. Lacking the maturity to handle tough situations calmly, they resort to unhealthy passive aggressive behaviours like the silent treatment to punish, manipulate and control, believing it will teach us a lesson or put us in our place. But because of their lack of emotional awareness, they are oblivious to their child’s pain or how their actions could hurt them. This means they don’t see the damage they do to us or the pain caused by their silence.

Your parent might say they are not talking to you, or they may stop all communication until you notice that you have not heard from them.

A toxic parent will do this to their child at any age.

Many people have shared with me that their parents gave them the silent treatment as children and teenagers, and often continue to do so into adulthood

Why It’s The Worst Thing A Parent Can Do To Their Child

When you really think about it, our parent is withdrawing themselves away from us, effectively taking our parent away and leaving us without a parent.

This is terrifying for a child.

This leaves us feeling unloved, abandoned and isolated.

This is very painful and leads a child or adult child to conclude: if my parent can easily walk away from our relationship, then I must be worthless.

Children and adult children who have received the silent treatment from their parent often crave love, affection, attention, and validation. They may seek this from others, which can lead to risky situations and toxic relationships.

We enter friendships and romantic relationships expecting to be rejected or abandoned eventually. This creates anxiety and may lead us to change our behavior, preventing us from being authentic out of fear that others won’t accept the real us.

The silent treatment leaves you feeling incredibly frustrated, because as they shut down and refuse to discuss issues that are important to you, it leaves no opportunity to resolve the conflict, which could have led to restoring the relationship and making the pain stop.

Silent Treatment As A Form Of Emotional Abuse

You might think the silent treatment is just something your parent does.

Perhaps you are used to it and you may even expect it from time to time, so you try not to let it bother you anymore.

But you might be surprised to know that it’s actually a form of emotional abuse.

The child/adult child will have an understanding that their parent has the capacity to leave them, abandon and distance themselves from them and the relationship so easily.

Knowing that our parent cares so little, and that when it comes to our relationship, they can take it or leave it, causes us to feel completely worthless.

This has a devastating impact on our self-esteem and self-worth.

When a parent does this for any length of time, they are withdrawing themselves and the relationship from us, purposely causing their child to feel abandoned, rejected, powerless, unwanted, and frustrated.

This treatment brings with it a sense of fear and panic, a generalized feeling of self hatred, and a voice in our head that tells us ‘there must be something wrong with me’.

This will naturally make us feel desperate to restore the relationship, and we can end up begging them to talk to us, and even apologizing when we haven’t done anything wrong.

This puts them in control.

The relationship will never be equal because we know that at any moment, they can easily withdraw from the relationship again.

This means we have to modify our behaviour to make sure we never upset them again.

We live in fear and we can never be congruent or our true selves around them.

The parent is using manipulative behaviour to control their child, and this is very psychologically and emotionally abusive.

How The Silent Treatment Is Different To Taking A Break Or Cooling Off

It is normal in relationships to take time to cool off or take a break and gather your thoughts after an argument.

When we take time to calm down, we will typically tell the other person that’s what we are doing and make sure they know we are coming back soon to resolve things.

Silent treatment is different for a few reasons.

The toxic parent doesn’t usually tell you that that’s what they are doing: they just disappear.

They are choosing not to communicate with you entirely, which means they have no intention of cooling off for a short period of time, and they show no desire to continue to talk later or resolve the issue.

You will likely have a sense that they are giving you a clear message to behave the way they want, or lose them.

This is about punishment and control.

How To Deal With It

You will probably be tempted to say or do anything to get the silent treatment to end and restore the relationship.

Remember that silent treatment is emotional abuse and a manipulation tactic to get you to change, and prevent you from growing and setting healthy boundaries. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated and abused.

Don’t beg them to speak to you or promise to change. That’s what they want, and they will know their manipulation worked and they will keep doing it.

Ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship with someone that refuses to discuss issues or resolve conflict.

Try to understand that your parent has not developed the ability to express a healthy level of empathy.

Accept that your parent can’t give you what you need. It’s still possible to have a relationship with a toxic parent, just don’t expect too much from them and set healthy boundaries with them, which might mean distancing yourself and spending less time with them.

Keep the relationship at a casual level. This can be hard to accept but understand that toxic parents can’t give us what we need because they don’t have it to give. You may feel you need to grieve the relationship, and that’s ok.

Keep in mind that their behaviour isn’t about you, it’s about their need to maintain power and control. They have few other coping skills or other ways to negotiate differences or resolve conflict. This does not excuse their behaviour, but knowing this may help you take it less personally.

Enjoy the silence! See it as a break from their drama and demanding ways.

Talk to trusted friends and loved ones. Spend time with people that treat you well. Have a good support system around you.

Know that you are worthy of a healthy relationship with someone who can communicate in a mature, emotionally healthy manner.

There are lots of resources online to help you identify and overcome and deal with a relationship with a toxic parent, and there are lots of therapists, like myself, that can help.

I know from personal experience how difficult and painful the silent treatment from a parent is. It’s taken me a long time to learn that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and I hope you know it too.

Mel